Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? [Escape part 2]

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Well? Can you? That’s one of the big questions I’ve had on my mind this weekend.

I’ve tried to be pretty blunt and honest lately about what I’ve been going through because a) it’s my blog and given that it doubles as a type of journal for me, I can write about whatever I want, b) there’s more to me than passport stamps and hamburgers, and c) I want something good to come out of this struggle, and if only one single other person reads this and decides to fight on, it’ll be worth it.

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So, this weekend, I took off. I left the real world on Friday morning, and made my way to Warburton. I’m really struggling to deal with everything that’s going on at the moment, and I thought the shit ton of money I’d been spending on psychologist sessions might be better spent booking a room far enough away from it all to give myself the space to mull it all over. There were questions I needed to answer that no professional could have possibly helped with:
– What’s at the heart of all of this pain?
– Who do I want to be? Who could I be without depression?
– Why do I dislike myself so much? Why have I no confidence in myself?
– How have I ended up believing that I’m unworthy of the good stuff in life?
– When and why did I start believing my self worth was directly correlated to my weight and clothing size?
– Who was I before I lost myself? Who was I before I stopped being me and stated trying to be who I thought the world wanted me to be?

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I spent my weekend walking the river trail, eating slowly and mindfully. I meditated, went to cafes alone to enjoy a pot of tea and some time to write, and treated myself to a much needed massage. I wrote, a lot – it helps me to clear my mind and understand myself better. And among other questions I answered and revelations I had, I thought long and hard on that big question: who was I before the world told me who I should be? That’s gotta be one of, if not the hardest question to ask yourself and answer honestly. Who was I?

I was an introvert, that hasn’t changed. But I didn’t care what anyone else thought of it.

I had my dreams and ideas, and never stopped to consider that they might not work out, that they could fail. I just made the things I wanted happen, by myself and for myself.

I was headstrong with the added bonus of not giving a damn about what anyone thought.

I never gave any thought to what I ate, nor what my body looked like. It was never important.

I didn’t surpress my creativity. One of my favourite things to do when my soul was hurting (depression and I go way back, like, literally half my life,) was to go for a long walk with my camera and take photos of whatever caught my eye. I found beauty in the most mundane everyday things, I developed roll after roll of film, and I did it just because it made me happy. So that’s what I did this weekend; I walked and drove and walked some more. I explored out in the fresh air, and when something caught my eye, I stopped and captured it.

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That girl wasn’t always happy; she still suffered relentlessly from depression just like today’s me does. But back then, I didn’t care what “they” thought, I wasn’t trying to be someone I wasn’t, I was just doing things that I wanted to do, that made me feel good, that captured and created beauty. This weekend helped me remember who I was before the world jaded me. I’m grateful.

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16 thoughts on “Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? [Escape part 2]

  1. Wonderful post. Very brave, I feel exactly the same at the moment, it is very hard. Wish I could escape for a bit too, I have two babies I can’t leave though. Thanks for sharing xx

    • Thanku so much for taking the time to write such kind words – having babies must make it both more important to escape and harder to do so… I hope you can at least find a few minutes of quiet during your busy days for yourself 🙂 xo

      • I try to! My husband doesn’t get home til 7pm so it is hard, very hard giving them all of my love and attention all day when I am not feeling upto it. I make time to go to yoga on a Monday and go to my allotment though. Lovely blog by the way!

  2. I love this! I feel like it reflects my life a lot too and I’m thinking about going out to the middle of nowhere and just spend time away from everything.

  3. Through…everything…that is the one thing I try to say to the darkness: you will not change me. Thank you for writing this post, it is a good reminder to hold on to the core of who you are. I am glad you had a lovely, therapeutic weekend. Hugs.

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  7. I have never thought to take a weekend off by myself. Funny that – it seems kind of normal to go backpacking overseas or something by yourself, but not just go away for a weekend. Maybe I should do this sometime. I’ve been thinking lately that I need to do some reflecting on where my life is heading and how I can be deliberate in my actions, not just floating along with the current. Thank you for the idea!

    • Funnily enough Bec, so many people had made that comment to me when I took that weekend away!! It’s something I try to do once a year, but I’m thinking I probably need it more often, as do most people 🙂 I hope you can have your own getaway – it’ll do wonders for a bit of clarity of mind! Thanks for stopping by, too 🙂

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